on belonging & being open
a lot of people I’ve worked with have struggled with feeling they do not belong, misunderstood, or like an outsider. it could be hard to make friends, have romantic relationships or relate to people in your family of origin. maybe you feel unease that you are not showing up as the full expression of you in your relationships.
where does this feeling of not belonging come from?
maybe you felt unseen as a child. maybe you have interests or perspectives that have been shamed by others. maybe you actually make yourself different, or perceive yourself as different - to keep distance from others… maybe it is ancestral trauma that is not yours to carry. maybe out of scarcity mindset, you have chosen people in your life who do not appreciate the real you, which perpetuates the idea that you don’t belong. (scarcity mindset is when you fear you will not get what you want, so you settle for less.) …or maybe you don’t have to know where the feeling of not belonging came from…
I found this quote on my phone that I saved years ago when I was feeling like I didn't belong:
“Instead of always asking: ‘where do I belong?’ - a question that is based in shortage - consider reversing your definition of the word from a noun to a verb, in which belonging becomes a practice of generosity as in, ‘I belong myself to that which I love.’"
another way to think of it: I belong myself to that which I am open to… because love and generosity are at their core… openness. if you want more of something in your life, you must have the openness, the space… for it to be.
when I shifted my approach to think of it this way, I realized that I can make a choice in each moment, where I belong, and how open or closed I will intend to be. I remembered that I belong everywhere; we are all children of the earth after all. we are meant to be open to life. just watch a child in their joy and freedom of expression, before they are tainted by outside perspectives, and you may remember that at your core, you are that open too. it is understandable to have learned to close off to protect yourself, but imagine all that you are missing out on experiencing…
and though we truly belong everywhere, you don’t have to stay in relationships or environments that do not serve you. keep staying open to the ones that truly see and hear the full you. and if you haven’t found them yet, know that by being yourself, you inevitably will.
Takeaways from “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
I recently read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and wanted to share some things I took from it.
I found it to be an empowering book, with effective strategies to reclaim your emotional freedom, and have healthier relationships, not just with your parents, but yourself and anyone in your life… by becoming a compassionate observer and recognizing most people are doing the best they can, the best they know.
It helped me see ways in which I have emotionally immature behavior too!
A simple way to explain emotionally immature behavior is being unable to think and feel at the same time. I like to take a trauma-informed perspective and keep in mind that people have different capacities at different times. We can only do our best at the time.
Our true self uses emotional problems to try to get our attention; to wake us up to our true needs!
Breakdowns reveal deeper truths. Often when we are experiencing a breakdown of some kind… either an emotional, personal one, or within a relationship or other structure, our truth as we know it at the time is breaking down…
We struggle more when we deny our truth.
The most impactful takeaway: I hadn’t realized the large impact of experiencing emotional loneliness growing up. How this affects self-care and self-acceptance in our later life… and therefore our relationships… so deeply.
Physical copies and the audiobook are available at the Austin Public Library. It is also available on Spotify Premium.